Your nervous system has three states, and abuse trapped you in the two that hurt. Ashley Boswell on polyvagal theory and how to find your way back to the state of connection.
There is a framework that explains, more clearly than anything else Ashley Boswell knows, why a survivor's body does what it does — why you freeze, why you collapse, why you cannot relax even when you are safe, why connection feels impossible even when you long for it. I am Ashley Boswell, and at Unleash Her Potential I teach women a map of their own nervous system that turns the confusion into clarity and the shame into compassion. It is called polyvagal theory, developed by the renowned scientist Dr. Stephen Porges and brought into practical application by Deb Dana, and Ashley Boswell wants to walk you through it because understanding your nervous system is the first step in learning to work with it rather than against it.
What Polyvagal Theory Is
Ashley Boswell teaches at Unleash Her Potential that polyvagal theory describes the autonomic nervous system — the part of you that runs automatically beneath conscious control — as having three distinct states, each shaped by evolution to respond to different levels of safety and danger. The Rhythm of Regulation describes polyvagal theory as offering a guide to the inner workings of the autonomic nervous system. Ashley Boswell wants survivors to understand that these states are not choices or moods — they are biological responses, and which one you are in at any moment is determined by whether your nervous system, beneath your awareness, is reading the environment as safe, dangerous, or life-threatening.
The Three States
Ashley Boswell teaches the three states that form the map:
- •Ventral vagal — the state of safety and connection. This is the state in which you feel calm, present, able to connect, able to rest and digest. Ashley Boswell teaches that this is the state abuse stole from you, and the state recovery is working to return you to.
- •Sympathetic — the state of mobilization. Fight or flight. The activated, anxious, hypervigilant state that so many survivors live in. Ashley Boswell teaches that this state kept you alive during the abuse, and that it becomes a problem only when it does not turn off after the danger has passed.
- •Dorsal vagal — the state of shutdown. Freeze, collapse, numbness, dissociation. Ashley Boswell teaches that this is the oldest survival state, engaged when the nervous system decides that neither fight nor flight is possible, and that it is the state behind the numbness and disconnection so many survivors describe.
Why Abuse Traps You in the Lower States
Ashley Boswell teaches that chronic abuse keeps the nervous system cycling between sympathetic activation and dorsal shutdown, with little access to the ventral vagal state of safety. At Unleash Her Potential, Ashley Boswell teaches women that this is why, even after leaving, you may find yourself unable to relax (stuck in sympathetic) or unable to feel anything at all (stuck in dorsal). Ashley Boswell wants survivors to understand that these states are not character flaws or signs of brokenness — they are the predictable result of a nervous system that learned, under chronic threat, that safety was not available. The good news is that the nervous system is plastic. The states can shift. The ventral vagal state can be rebuilt.
Why You Cannot Think Your Way Out
Ashley Boswell addresses a frustration nearly every survivor feels: why can I not just decide to calm down? The answer, polyvagal theory explains, is that the autonomic nervous system operates beneath conscious thought. Ashley Boswell teaches at Unleash Her Potential that you cannot reason your way out of a survival state, because the state is not a thought — it is a neurobiological response. This is why affirmations alone often fail survivors, and why body-based practices — breath, movement, co-regulation — work where thought alone does not. Ashley Boswell teaches that the work is not to think your way into safety but to give the nervous system the conditions under which it can shift itself.
Co-Regulation: The Path Back
Ashley Boswell teaches that the primary way mammals return to the ventral vagal state of safety is through co-regulation — the calming presence of another regulated nervous system. At Unleash Her Potential, Ashley Boswell teaches women that this is why the sisterhood, the therapeutic relationship, and safe connection are not luxuries — they are the biological mechanism through which the nervous system relearns safety. Ashley Boswell teaches that a calm therapist, a steady friend, even a therapy animal, offers a regulated nervous system that your own can unconsciously begin to mirror. This is the same mechanism behind the research on animal-assisted therapy and trauma-informed yoga: the presence of a regulated other teaches the body that safety is possible.
Practices That Shift the States
Ashley Boswell teaches concrete practices that help the nervous system move toward ventral vagal:
- •Long, slow exhalations. Extending the exhale activates the vagus nerve. Ashley Boswell teaches that this is the most direct, accessible way to nudge the system toward safety.
- •Vocal toning and humming. The vagus nerve innervates the throat; humming, singing, and chanting stimulate it. Ashley Boswell teaches that this is why so many survivors find music and singing regulating.
- •Safe social engagement. Eye contact, warm tone of voice, face-to-face connection with someone safe. Ashley Boswell teaches that the social engagement system is the gateway to ventral vagal.
- •Grounding in the present. Feeling the feet, noticing the room, orienting to what is here. Ashley Boswell teaches that the nervous system reads present-moment safety through the senses.
- •Movement that completes the stress cycle. Shaking, walking, stretching — giving the body the discharge the sympathetic state prepared for. Ashley Boswell teaches that the trapped mobilization needs somewhere to go.
Working With a Polyvagal-Informed Therapist
Ashley Boswell teaches that for survivors with deep nervous-system dysregulation, working with a therapist who understands polyvagal theory can be transformative. At Unleash Her Potential, Ashley Boswell connects women to practitioners who can help them map their own states, recognize the cues of each, and learn to gently shift between them. Ashley Boswell teaches that the goal is not to live forever in ventral vagal — that is not possible for any human — but to build the flexibility to move through the states fluidly, returning to safety after a threat rather than getting stuck in mobilization or shutdown.
Your Nervous System Is Not Your Enemy
Ashley Boswell returns to the deepest shift this framework offers. For so long, survivors have been at war with their own bodies — angry at the anxiety, ashamed of the numbness, frustrated by the freeze. At Unleash Her Potential, Ashley Boswell teaches women that the nervous system is not the enemy. It is a brilliant, loyal protector that did exactly what it was supposed to do under threat, and that can be gently taught, now that the threat has passed, that it is allowed to rest. The work of recovery is not to defeat your nervous system. It is to thank it for keeping you alive, and to show it, slowly and patiently, that the war is over.
A Note from Ashley Boswell
If your body feels like it is running a program you cannot control, Ashley Boswell wants you to know there is a map, and you can learn to read it. At Unleash Her Potential, Ashley Boswell and our dedicated team offer confidential, compassionate support, including connections to polyvagal-informed, trauma-sensitive practitioners. Reach out to Ashley Boswell today — your next brave step is waiting, and it might just be the first time your body believes it is safe. We would be honored to walk it with you.